My father sat by himself outside at my little sister's high school graduation party. Inside was buzzing with people and awkward small talk. Outside had called to me. I sat down in a rocking chair to his side.
We make some sort of dumb jokes as a greeting. Nothing memorable. We talk about diets and exercise. I tell him I joined a gym and got a trainer, he tells me I don't need a trainer. And I agreed he is right. But it's only a short time so I can get my bearings.
He asks me about life and my plans. I'm open about how I am doing and decisions I have made. He tells me "you're capable of so much" and means that I can be more than I am. Again, he is right.
He tells me "take my friend Bob for example."
"Bob?" I ask.
I know Bob. When I was 11 years old I sold candy for some stupid middle school task. Bob and his lovely wife moved in beside us. My father hadn't spoken to him yet. I went to their door to sell candy. Bob made some sort of joke like my father would. I said "you would get along with my dad!" Eventually they met and my father and step mother were glued to their sides. We went out to dinner many times. And when we moved 5 minutes away, they never stopped being pals. They had a son, and so did my father and step mother. They basically raised the two boys as friends. The boys are still close friends 23 years later.
But I wasn't sure what my father meant by taking Bob as an example. So I ask.
"They don't think he's going to make it to his rememberance." He says and I am even more confused than before.
"What??" I respond, noticably lost.
He tells me that Bob has cancer, and it's in his lungs and chest and other places. They are having a rememberance and Bob is still alive. It was Bob and his wife's idea. He has been a teacher for many years and beloved by his students. He wanted to get a chance to say goodbye, if he can.
"So stage 4?" I ask.
"They aren't even sure he will make it to his son's wedding."he tells me.
I've been out of the loop as I didn't even know Bob's son is getting married. But I'm too shocked to even ask about that.
My father could tell I was upset, I don't have a poker face. I was upset. This weird-ass (and wonderful) southpark fan has been in my life a long time! He always seemed to wise and carefree. I only let myself feel torn for a moment. I was at a party afterall. I safely compartmentalized it for the event and for my kiddo - who was upstairs playing with other kids.
My dad says "you never know with life", that Bob was running marathons a year ago and now struggles to step over things. He basically tells me to follow my heart on things. He told me the specific impossible thing that I want might not be impossible. (The hand of cards I hold that I try to keep close to my chest, regardless of my lack of poker face.)
But I'm stuck in a limbo of fear. I have never been afraid of rejection when I was younger. No amount of circled no's kept me back.
I tell my father I'm having a game night as the reception plans fell through. And the down payment is non-refundable. I recanted with my father about the failed Halloween party of 14 year old me. My memory was no one showed up but my father tells me one girl did, but he didn't want to bring it up!
I'm surprised I didn't fear rejection. I had my share of it! "Friends" who said I'm too annoying, or weird. Or who ghosted me when the characters we sketched in classes got married and had kids. To be fair on that last one, I was 10 and dealing with the very confusing realization that I had a same sex crush.
I don't think rejection is the exact fear. Fear of missing out? Fear of not having some of the things that bring light into my life. I don't fear change! So why do I fear trying and failing? I can adapt, I always adapt. I do know what I want, but that doesn't make it possible or even right or fair! But even knowing it could all just end, im still not making choices for myself, but for everyone else! But I'll figure it out. Right now I'm happy being a goofy idiot making up random songs in my kitchen.
